I can literally feel myself healing every day.
Like the Kintsugi process of repairing broken potterymixing
the urushi glue,
brushing it on,
fitting the pieces back together,
curing in a special box,
and the whole rest of the long process.
It is time-consuming,
it is messy,
it requires special tools.
It is also not what every pot needs.
Some pots never break,
some only have one piece to be repaired.
My pot, my life, needs a lot of time,
a lot of repair
especially in its isolated curing box.
I know this time is what I need.
I must continue to let go of my fears that this is how I will always be,
but also to be okay IF this IS how I will always be,
…..but I don’t really think so.
I believe a next new phase will come,
but I cannot push it or rush it.
Someday I will have people around me again;
I know I do have something to offer.
No, I will not be the same person I was.
But I will be more confident,
I may not be happy go lucky, all-out funny, or lighthearted,
but I hope I can have fun moments.
I believe that part of my life mission is to
be a space holder for sorrow,
a kind of wise, intuitive oracle for that sorrow;
But I also hope I can balance that with good humor,
belly laughs and
truly enjoying the company of other people.
Do I know what, how or when the next phase will occur?
But I must believe and hope that it will come.;
that I will be able to build on this healing and soul strengthening time.
I am sooo into this moment
this phase of the journey.
I am slow,
allowing myself to be “just as I am”
I allow for what I know I need right now
and am so so very grateful that I have this gift of time
that is just for me.
The lack of stress,
is so what I need.
But it is not only the external expectations that have been removed;
I am removing the more weighty,
self-imposed expectations from myself.
Giving myself permission to not BE anything…
“No need to hurry.
No need to sparkle.
No need to be anything but oneself.” -Virginia Wolf.
And this is healing me;
So many people
are striving to find this peace that I am learning.
So many people
reading the books,
buying the products,
dating the people,
chasing the dream,
all to find that sense of peace and
enjoyment of this gift of life.
And it is truly such a different path for each individual soul.
I am finding my path,
what sparks my soul.
And I do it all while bearing the weight of grief and sorrow.
I will miss my Kenny until I take my last breath.
I will also treasure the gift I was given to be his mom and
know that he was loved unconditionally.
Why he died;
how he died,
what role God played;
who God really is….
these questions will remain unanswered for the time.
I may always come back to the questions in one form or another,
but they are there as curiosities;
they do not constrain the course of my days.
And so I walk these days,
I find rest for my oh so weary being,
for I AM a human BEING.
That is all for now,
allowing what is,
being so okay with how I am wired and
knowing what I need.
Being love and grace to myself,
being with love in all things as they are,
breathing love and
being right in the center of Love’s Will.